jokor
Iron Claw Group 1
Posts: 166 
Relationship Statis: Single
Fursona Species: Hyena (spotted)
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Post by jokor on Aug 22, 2013 6:28:09 GMT 9.5
I've been working on another project. First time i worked on a setting that was completely made up on my own. I'm just going to post whatever snippets I'm working on in this thread so other people then me can take a look at it. It's easy to look over your own mistakes. especially if you aren't fluent in english at all. One problem I have here is description, it always feels slightly awkward.
Nov gave his equipment one last check before he had to head out, ignoring the impatient pacing of the other grey wolf in the same room as him. His rebreather wasn't clogged. His tool kit was complete, his pistol was loaded, his armored vest was secured properly and his wrist computer was working, fully charged and had the machinery he had to maintain today loaded.
“Are you going to stop being OCD and get on with this?” The other wolf snarled at him as he leaned against the airlock.
Nov just gave him an annoyed look.“Don't be impatient, thorough preparations never hurt anybody. Impatience has cost a few mechanics their lives though. The lower reaches are dangerous Pyotr.”
Pyotr just glared at him, flicking his tail in annoyance. “I served 6 years in the outskirts of the city, I doubt the runts that on the underbelly of our lord rlyeth can compare to that.” He grunted as he leaned against the door.
“Being smaller just makes them harder to notice and they can chew through metal cables. Your bones won't be a problem.” Nov deadpanned as he put on his rebreather and slung his bag of tools over his shoulder. “I'm ready, so you can stop nagging like an old bitch already.” He walked over to the big steel door set into the room and punched in the code. The door slowly open, grinding on the rails all the wile. Pyotr whinced and flattened his ears against his skull in reflex.
“Somebody really needs to oil this door.”
“It still works good enough, don't have enough oil to waste it on an exit that isn't used as often anyway.” Nov grunted in response and walked inside the airlock. pyotr following him right after. The old door closed nov ignored the irritating noise while pyotr held his hands over his ears. Then the other part of the airlock opened.
Both of them walked outside of the airlock, no matter how many times Nov had seen the world outside their habitats, it always struck him as beautiful, in a rather morbid way. the air had a sickly yellow color and the strange light coming from the void were their god-city had been trapped in casted a mesmerizing display of shadows on the machines that hung from their god-city's underbelly.
“stop gawking Nov!” pyotr barked. Nov tore his gaze away from the scenery.
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Post by Jade on Aug 25, 2013 7:54:31 GMT 9.5
Hey, this is really good! Practice DOES make perfect  |
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jokor
Iron Claw Group 1
Posts: 166
Relationship Statis: Single
Fursona Species: Hyena (spotted)
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Post by jokor on Aug 26, 2013 1:30:19 GMT 9.5
Ah thanks a lot  Just one question, can you make heads or tails from the description? I don't know if it's very clear what I mean with it ^^; |
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Post by Jade on Aug 26, 2013 6:11:34 GMT 9.5
Hon, I'm an Anime fan, if you think THAT title is weird, you've got nothing...
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jokor
Iron Claw Group 1
Posts: 166
Relationship Statis: Single
Fursona Species: Hyena (spotted)
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Post by jokor on Aug 26, 2013 7:01:05 GMT 9.5
oh I didn't mean that . I'm a big fan of lovecraftian horror and that's where I took it from. That and rlyeth is the name of the god their city is build on. Floating somewhere in the void after their banishment. I was more asking for the description in the story about their surroundings. Either I am to skimpy in it so nobody knows how it looks. Or I go overboard and it becomes just a bloated wreck. Or it just feels stilted. How did that look? |
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Post by Jade on Aug 26, 2013 17:02:40 GMT 9.5
Nah, it's good! I really think that you struck a good balance |
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jokor
Iron Claw Group 1
Posts: 166
Relationship Statis: Single
Fursona Species: Hyena (spotted)
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Post by jokor on Sept 8, 2013 9:09:13 GMT 9.5
I really need to be more regular in my writing. It's been day's since I got something down on paper. Well here is some more disjointed snippets from my idea. They are in cronological order though sometimes there are still events missing in between them.
Also for the australians. I tried to write the sympthoms of a snakebite in the 3th paragraph. Not sure If I managed to get it down very well though. You guy's learn about that in school in prevention programs don't you? Since australia got a lot of dangerous snakes and deadly animals in general. Got some tips on that?
Nov was confused. One moment the walkway gave away and he was falling through the void their god-city was floating in and now he was suddenly underwater. That confusion was quickly replaced with mindnumbing terror as he realized there wasn't a body of water this big anywhere that he knew of, he was sinking and his rebreather didn't have an endless supply of air. There was a light coming from what he guessed was above him, Hard to tell when he was floating in a body of water. He was struggling to get to the surface. When he finally got to the surface he nearly stopped swimming in shock. The sky was blue, not the sickly yellow of the void, a clear blue, he couldn't see a shred of technology anywere, but there was still something providing light here. More light then the normal lights that lined the living area in rlyeth. In the distance he could see... well solid ground at the least. A bunch of green plants he had never seen were growing on a piece of ground. Not a sign of inteligent life anywhere that he could see. Either way, just floating around in the water wouldn't help him with finding out where in rlyeth's name he was so he began to swim towards the land.
He was bone tired when he finally dragged himself ashore, taking a few unsteady steps as his waterlogged clothing felt like it was made out of lead.
-_---
Nov went still and his ears perched up as he heard a hissing coming from somewhere, frantically looking around where that sound was coming from. It didn't sound like some kind of mechanical defect, though that was obvious, there were no machines around for miles, only a tall and stringy plant that his wristcom identified as a type of grass and he didn't think it would be one of the parasites they only lived on rlyeth. He slowly walked back the way he came here.
Only to step on something, he heard an aggressive hiss and felt something bite his leg. He whined in pain as he jerked his leg back. His ears perked up in alarm and he jerked his leg back. he saw a legless reptile slither away into the tall grass. “Fragging wildlife.” Nov muttered underneath his breath as he leaned down. Pulling up his pants to get a better look at it. It didn't look that bad, just two small pinpricks that he could barely see under his fur and didn't hurt one bit. He stood back up, not even bothering to clean up that scratch. He could just walk it off.
-_-
It felt as if something heavy was lying on his chest, cutting of his breath. The fact it was hotter then in the insides of a workshop didn't help much either. Still Nov shakily continued to walk, trying to focus on putting one foot before the other. Which wasn't easy as his leg felt shaky his vision was blurring, his head was pounding and the world was swaying. He leaned against a large hard plant that shot upwards to the blue empty space above him providing him with a bit of shade from that glaring light from above.
“This all from that dumb bite?” he muttered to himself as he slid towards the ground and with shaking hands rolled up his pants. “oh Rleth.” He cursed when he saw that his leg had swelled up. Nov prodded the inflamed wound, not really know what to do about it. He worked with technology and wards. Not with living and breathing things. He pulled his pant-leg back down again and tried to stand up. His arms shook from the effort though and the world sup once more. He rested again back on the tree. Maybe he should just rest here for a bit. Maybe this would get better with time.
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Post by Jade on Sept 8, 2013 13:25:01 GMT 9.5
Snakebite is a poisoning, so there is generally very little in the way of local symptoms. Abdominal pain, vomiting, dizziness, disorientation, slurred speech, nausea, headaches, muscle soreness, spasms and shallow rapid breathing usually precede weakness and death. You have to stop it from spreading and getting to your organs, and the only thing that will get rid of it is medical attention and anti venom. Or oranges, they fix EVERYTHING! (disclaimer: oranges fix nothing.)
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jokor
Iron Claw Group 1
Posts: 166
Relationship Statis: Single
Fursona Species: Hyena (spotted)
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Post by jokor on Sept 10, 2013 7:13:16 GMT 9.5
So the swelling wouldn't really happen then. As for the medical attention thing. I figured that, the snake he was bitten by would have killed him in a day or less if he didn't get any medical attention. It's good that his race is pretty tough in general. Or he would have died in just a few hours.
Also, a question. The woman that is following the trail. She is a lion. And nov is a grey wolf qua species. Did I manage to weave that into the description? Also is just telling. He/she is a lion, or she/he is a wolf/whatever species a good idea?
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Post by Jade on Sept 10, 2013 18:21:19 GMT 9.5
I couldn't really tell that ANYONE was following him  If you want to introduce her species, do it in an offhand manner, either as a derogitive comment directed at her due to her race, or something of the ilk. Cos obvious comment is obvious :3 Sent from my HTC_P0N37 using proboards |
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jokor
Iron Claw Group 1
Posts: 166
Relationship Statis: Single
Fursona Species: Hyena (spotted)
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Post by jokor on Sept 10, 2013 21:14:02 GMT 9.5
... oh, I thought I already posted that little snippet... Turns out it's still in my file on the computer because it wasn't finished .... well that was a brainfart.
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